A poem for the season...

My heart poem in this season that I came across as I was going through some old folders of mine. Was dear to my heart then, and is ever dearer even now.

Wait

"Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
'Child you must wait.'

'Wait? You say, wait!' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a "Yes", a go-ahead sign,
or even a "No" to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
'I'm weary of asking I need a reply!'

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting... for what?'

He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said,
'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give,
And pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-
But you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove:
You'd know that I give and I save for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort lat into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true

But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time your will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still 'Wait'."

-Author Unknown-

It's Official! Heading back with Mercy Ships to Sierra Leone, 2011!!!

The official acceptance letter from Mercy Ships has finally arrived! :) Hooray! Will be serving back on board the Africa Mercy for 6 months next February-August. I can't wait!
While it seems that Feb is a long way off, I know that it will be creep up QUICKLY and be here before I know it!
Still no word yet on a job. I keep applying and applying, but haven't received any phone calls for an interview. The feedback I get and what I hear from my friend Laura, who has traveled with this travel nurse agency before, is that it takes a while to get your first assignment. It took her a couple of months to get her first assignment, so I guess I'm right on track compared to other first-time travelers. It still doesn't help in the discouragement department, however. I never thought I'd feel unwanted as a registered nurse in America, but I guess the travel world is a bit unlike regular employment opportunities for nurses- a bit more competitive. So, I keep waiting... learning trust and reliance upon the Lord and having to walk out belief that his plans are not my own.
I've been able to seen and hang with my family, though, and have enjoyed that immensly! Here are some pics of Bemidji quality time:

Went on a "field trip" with my sister Laura and my two nieces to watch how honey is harvested and processed.

Golden retriever puppies and a visit from Grandpa and Aunt Noreen. Went to Itasca State Park on a beautiful October day!



Made time to go up the firetower at Itasca and see the Fall colors as well!

No news is... patience in waiting for God's timing.

It is true. I am STILL in the season of waiting... waiting for a job, waiting to find out when and where I will be moving, waiting to sell one of my cars... lots and lots of waiting. While I generally categorize myself as a flexible person able to "go with the flow" quite easily, even I am wearing thin in this waiting game... you can only "go with the flow" when you have at least one "flow" going... I have none of the above, so in Bemidji I stay. :)

Don't get me wrong, it has been WONDERFUL to be at home and spend more time connecting with old friends, teachers, and family. In fact, because I have stayed I was able to attend a friend's wedding and fully enjoy the Minnesota Autumn (my favorite season) which I didn't think I would be able to do. My parents are so wonderful and generous to let me keep staying with them with my boxes and piles of stuff here and there throughout there house as I unpack boxes, organize, and re-pack to prepare for whenever I get my travel assignment.

However, I will be honest and say that I didn't want my life to slow down to this extent, because now in this time of rest and recooperation a lot of post-Africa and post-Harriman lodge processing has been coming forward in my mind and heart. Faces, situations, emotions, tears... a lot has been pushing its way out of the little cubbies where I've kept pushing them as I've hurried here and there after coming home in May from Togo only to fly out to NY for the summer. They peek their little heads into the light and wait to be recognized and fully looked at as I desperately glance behind me, hoping they will just disappear or find their way back to the dark corners. (I don' t try and avoid things at all, do I?) :)

Questions like:

1) What are you suppose to be doing with your life?

2) What do you want? More importantly, what does God want?

3) Are you living, actively remembering what you saw and what God taught you in Togo?

4) Are you living purposefully each day, obedient to God no matter what the situation?

5) Where is your joy? Where is your thanksgiving?

6) What does it look like to live in community when your community is so rapidly changing?

7) Will I ever feel at home again?
All of these questions and more flood my mind, asking for answers and bringing me before God in prayer.

One of the phenomena that I didn't quite expect coming home, is that I feel like I'm not home. I see the familiar faces, familiar places, things and people that hold years of memories and love, and yet it's different. I feel like something is missing. When I was in Togo, I felt like my family and friends and my Bemidji community was not there, so it was not home. I went to Harriman Lodge and now neither my Bemidji family or my Mercy Ships family was there, so it never quite felt like home. Now, I am physically "home", but my heart keeps wandering to Togo, Ghana, New York, the UK, so many other places... so many people; missing.
I am left wondering if I will ever feel at home again.

II Corinthians 5:1 puts it well;

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."

As I remember my dear friend Erin once telling me, when you go and invest your heart in places and journey through life with people in those places, there is no place in which you feel like you are whole, because there is no place, apart from the promise of heaven, that we can be in all of those places with all of those people at the same time. You are just always left longing; longing to feel whole again. I never thought I would be in a place where I could so deeply relate to those words, but at this moment, I find myself staring intently into the eyes of that reality. Oh, how sweet heaven will be.

On the upside, please enjoy these couple of pictures from my time in MN! :) I have loved being so close to my little nieces and my family. :) PG Tips anyone? :)

Climbing the Itasca State Park Fire Tower with my Aunt Catherine

Spending the day with my Grandpa, mom, and Aunt Noreen at Itasca State Park :)

Coffee dates galore! One with my dear friend Kathryn, in the pic above. :)