A poem for the season...

My heart poem in this season that I came across as I was going through some old folders of mine. Was dear to my heart then, and is ever dearer even now.

Wait

"Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
'Child you must wait.'

'Wait? You say, wait!' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a "Yes", a go-ahead sign,
or even a "No" to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
'I'm weary of asking I need a reply!'

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting... for what?'

He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said,
'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give,
And pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-
But you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove:
You'd know that I give and I save for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort lat into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true

But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time your will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still 'Wait'."

-Author Unknown-

It's Official! Heading back with Mercy Ships to Sierra Leone, 2011!!!

The official acceptance letter from Mercy Ships has finally arrived! :) Hooray! Will be serving back on board the Africa Mercy for 6 months next February-August. I can't wait!
While it seems that Feb is a long way off, I know that it will be creep up QUICKLY and be here before I know it!
Still no word yet on a job. I keep applying and applying, but haven't received any phone calls for an interview. The feedback I get and what I hear from my friend Laura, who has traveled with this travel nurse agency before, is that it takes a while to get your first assignment. It took her a couple of months to get her first assignment, so I guess I'm right on track compared to other first-time travelers. It still doesn't help in the discouragement department, however. I never thought I'd feel unwanted as a registered nurse in America, but I guess the travel world is a bit unlike regular employment opportunities for nurses- a bit more competitive. So, I keep waiting... learning trust and reliance upon the Lord and having to walk out belief that his plans are not my own.
I've been able to seen and hang with my family, though, and have enjoyed that immensly! Here are some pics of Bemidji quality time:

Went on a "field trip" with my sister Laura and my two nieces to watch how honey is harvested and processed.

Golden retriever puppies and a visit from Grandpa and Aunt Noreen. Went to Itasca State Park on a beautiful October day!



Made time to go up the firetower at Itasca and see the Fall colors as well!

No news is... patience in waiting for God's timing.

It is true. I am STILL in the season of waiting... waiting for a job, waiting to find out when and where I will be moving, waiting to sell one of my cars... lots and lots of waiting. While I generally categorize myself as a flexible person able to "go with the flow" quite easily, even I am wearing thin in this waiting game... you can only "go with the flow" when you have at least one "flow" going... I have none of the above, so in Bemidji I stay. :)

Don't get me wrong, it has been WONDERFUL to be at home and spend more time connecting with old friends, teachers, and family. In fact, because I have stayed I was able to attend a friend's wedding and fully enjoy the Minnesota Autumn (my favorite season) which I didn't think I would be able to do. My parents are so wonderful and generous to let me keep staying with them with my boxes and piles of stuff here and there throughout there house as I unpack boxes, organize, and re-pack to prepare for whenever I get my travel assignment.

However, I will be honest and say that I didn't want my life to slow down to this extent, because now in this time of rest and recooperation a lot of post-Africa and post-Harriman lodge processing has been coming forward in my mind and heart. Faces, situations, emotions, tears... a lot has been pushing its way out of the little cubbies where I've kept pushing them as I've hurried here and there after coming home in May from Togo only to fly out to NY for the summer. They peek their little heads into the light and wait to be recognized and fully looked at as I desperately glance behind me, hoping they will just disappear or find their way back to the dark corners. (I don' t try and avoid things at all, do I?) :)

Questions like:

1) What are you suppose to be doing with your life?

2) What do you want? More importantly, what does God want?

3) Are you living, actively remembering what you saw and what God taught you in Togo?

4) Are you living purposefully each day, obedient to God no matter what the situation?

5) Where is your joy? Where is your thanksgiving?

6) What does it look like to live in community when your community is so rapidly changing?

7) Will I ever feel at home again?
All of these questions and more flood my mind, asking for answers and bringing me before God in prayer.

One of the phenomena that I didn't quite expect coming home, is that I feel like I'm not home. I see the familiar faces, familiar places, things and people that hold years of memories and love, and yet it's different. I feel like something is missing. When I was in Togo, I felt like my family and friends and my Bemidji community was not there, so it was not home. I went to Harriman Lodge and now neither my Bemidji family or my Mercy Ships family was there, so it never quite felt like home. Now, I am physically "home", but my heart keeps wandering to Togo, Ghana, New York, the UK, so many other places... so many people; missing.
I am left wondering if I will ever feel at home again.

II Corinthians 5:1 puts it well;

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."

As I remember my dear friend Erin once telling me, when you go and invest your heart in places and journey through life with people in those places, there is no place in which you feel like you are whole, because there is no place, apart from the promise of heaven, that we can be in all of those places with all of those people at the same time. You are just always left longing; longing to feel whole again. I never thought I would be in a place where I could so deeply relate to those words, but at this moment, I find myself staring intently into the eyes of that reality. Oh, how sweet heaven will be.

On the upside, please enjoy these couple of pictures from my time in MN! :) I have loved being so close to my little nieces and my family. :) PG Tips anyone? :)

Climbing the Itasca State Park Fire Tower with my Aunt Catherine

Spending the day with my Grandpa, mom, and Aunt Noreen at Itasca State Park :)

Coffee dates galore! One with my dear friend Kathryn, in the pic above. :)

A Season of Waiting...

Here I am, in the interim of seasons, looking behind at the memories and relationships from one season, looking ahead to the many unknown experiences and relationships to come. Yet, here I stand, in the perfect “no man’s land” center of the two revolving seasons.
I recently finished my summer with AHRC in East Jewett, New York at Harriman Lodge. Our last day of camp was September 1, followed by massive cleaning efforts and a staff celebration banquet that night. As we all sat around tables in the dining hall, smiles, hugs, and laughter all around, I remember sitting back looking at all the familiar faces thinking “I have fallen so in love with this place and all of these people. It is going to be so hard to leave tomorrow.”
God is so amazing. You see the irony of my statement was that I was never suppose to be at Harriman Lodge this summer- I was supposed to be at Harriman’s sister camp, Camp Anne with my friend Sarah Couch. Ending up at Harriman was a “mistake”. Really, the only mistake was me ever doubting God’s plan for my summer.
After a wonderful night just hanging out and celebrating the summer, that next morning I felt my heart tearing as I had to say goodbye to so many people I had come to LOVE. As I had said to my friend, Martin that morning, the friendships you develop at Harriman Lodge are different than friendships you would develop at home. At Harriman, you spend 24/7 with these people for 3 months straight! If you counted up the hours spent with these people, I have a feeling it would surpass the number of hours most of us spend with our “good” friends in an entire year! While this type of “community living” builds those types of friendships, it also creates much tension and frustration. The good along with the ugly like the rest of life.
So after many tearful goodbyes and prolonged hugs, I said goodbye to Harriman Lodge, wondering if I would ever return. Sarah and I left from there to go to Albany where I caught a rental car and drove up to visit my friend Laura Coles, another friend from the Africa Mercy, through the Adirondacks to Potsdam, NY. BEAUTIFUL drive (see pics). We climbed Mt. Azure, enjoyed the sunset from the top (off of a firetower located on top), and spent the night at a Young Life camp in Saranac Lake area. I drove back to Albany from there and flew home September 4th.
I came home for a joyful reunion with my family, and am currently at home with my parents, waiting for a travel nursing assignment through my new employer, American Traveler. I could end up anywhere across the nation for a job, and continue putting my name in for positions, awaiting a call back for a phone interview with hospitals I apply for. Nothing yet, but learning to trust and have Faith in God through this period of waiting. Just like I said above, He knew what he was doing with Harriman Lodge- how much more so for a job for me this fall. Praise His holy name. He is and will be enough.

See the Story of Abel, one of my Children from the Africa Mercy!!

Hey Everyone! Just today, I saw a new Mercy Ships video all about Abel, one of my sweet, sweet boys from the Africa Mercy! Check out his 5 min story of amazing transformation! I wept with joy in seeing him home again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjIyOotniNs

A few more steps along the New York path...

Hello everyone!
Wow... it has already been 2 weeks since I've last written. Things keep flowing and moving here at Harriman Lodge on what we call "camp time". It is where the days run together with activities, events, and daily schedules until you don't know what day it is or what's going on in the outside world. The only thing that keeps me reminded of the normal world is writing the date on all my nursing charting each day. Even then, we are very much in our own little world here at Harriman Lodge.

I have LOVED camp nursing here for MR adults and have been impacted so deeply by so many specific campers. I wish I could share photos of the many faces and stories I've had the privilege of being a part of this summer, but we're not allowed to post photos of campers on the internet. Some of my favorite guests have been CP adults, verbal and non-verbal who, through communication boards and books of pictures, communicated "I love you" and "I will miss you" to me on the last days of camp. I even got the chance to visit some of them in their residential home.

I was in the City (NYC) with Sarah, and walked off the subway into the Bronx to find the residential home. As we made our way into the apartment where 4 residents lived, I knocked on the door and called out... "hello!?" All of a sudden I heard "Aarrrggghhh! Ahhh! Ahh!" and banging coming from the bathroom. "Angelo is in the bathroom" the residential staff member said with a smile, "but I think he heard you." Angelo was one of the residents who weaved his way into my heart with his bright personality, sounds of excitement, and many minutes spent with his communication board, figuring out what he was trying to say. His quirky little smile and laughter will always be nestled in my heart along with hundreds more. :) It was a huge blessing to be able to see his, and his friend Sidney's excitement as we visited with them in their home.

In the meanwhile, we had an "intercession"- a break in between sessions of camp last week. During the intercession, I made one final trip into the City to spend time with friends there and help out with a day camp Metro Ministries put on in one of the more difficult neighborhoods in Brooklyn. I got to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, eat authentic Brooklyn-style pizza and then spend the day with inner-city kids at the day camp themed... "Back 2 Africa!" I got to sit in the health center with one of my Africa friends, Sarah listening to African music and taking care of minor cuts and scrapes of sweet inner-city kids. How much better can it get? :) My friend Rey got to jump in all the way and help out as a counselor for the day while Sarah and I held down the fort in the infirmary. It was an amazing day.

Things are now finishing up for the summer here at Harriman Lodge. We have 1 week left before the end of the camp season, and I am left wondering where the time has gone. I will spend a couple days after camp visiting Laura Coles, another nurse friend from the ship who I will be travel nursing with this fall, before flying back to good old MN on Sept. 4th.

Hopefully between now and then I'll have an official position with American Traveler (my new employer-a nursing travel agency) starting the middle to end of September somewhere (thinking it may end up being Texas). So, yes! God is so good.. I feel the perpetual need to rely on him to meet my needs and plan my course before me. As I was getting anxious about so many of the details ahead of me I still don't know, he spoke to my heart and reminded me of Peter, when he walked out on the sea to meet Jesus in the middle of a storm... all he needed was to put his eyes on Jesus, and he walked.
So much ahead of me is still unknown, yet it is known to Him, and for that I am full of peace.

Breathtaking Niagara

A week and a half ago, during "intercession" (the 2-3 days we have off between sessions of camp at Harriman), I was blessed to be a part of a road trip adventure with other counselors and staff from Harriman Lodge; destination... Niagara Falls!!! Being the only American on the journey, and also being the only one 25 or older, I was automatically designated as one of the drivers. :) I got to drive a new Chevy Impala the 800 miles or so we went during that trip, hopping on and off the New York Interstate, paying tolls, and finding campsites and destinations along the way. Some of the most memorable moments were:

1) Standing in front of a fish hatchery (which took explaining to the Brits who had never heard of such a thing) and reading a ridiculous monument in Rome, New York documenting the first cheese factory in the U.S.

2) All of the side road we took to make it to cities such as Liverpool, Rome, Warsaw, and Sheffield just so the Brits and Pols could feel at home. :)

3) Camping. Never have I been so thankful for my family camping background, and especially my dad who took us all out wilderness camping. Many/most of the 14 people on our trip had never been camping before, so when the rains came and fire needed to be started, I soon found myself one of the camp organizers! :) My favorite part was cutting and peeling roasting sticks, gathering the hot dogs and marshmallows for s'mores, and one of the girls looking at it saying "I'm suppose to cook my food on THIS?". It was AWESOME! :) I laughed so hard. Needless to say, everyone LOVED the s'mores and campfire food and we had an AMAZING camping experience despite heavy rains and waking up in pools of water one morning. :)

However, apart from all the amazing music, car time, conversations, food, and experiences, I have to say that standing at the foot of Niagara Falls was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. To hear the rush of thousands of tons of water crashing into the river, feel the spray of thick mist that covered the bottom of the waterfall, and be able to yell and hardly be heard... all I could to was sing...

"Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hands have made.
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee. How great Thou art, how great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee. How great Thou art. How great Thou art."

And then, as I stood there at the bottom of the falls singing, all I could think of was the verse In Luke 19 where Jesus said "Even the stones will cry out" if man ceases to cry out in praise to Him. As I thought of all the people who walk through life nonchalantly thinking about God, neglecting to praise Him, the roar of this enormous waterfall was most certainly creation crying out in lack of that praise. And how amazing for me to be able to join in, in a simple chorus of "How Great Thou Art." Wow.

I am SO thankful for this season of life in New York. I couldn't imagine a better place for me to be right now. It wasn't what I initially thought or wanted. I miss my Minnesota friends and family terribly, but honestly, there is no place I would rather be because I know and believe without a shadow of a doubt that this is where God desires me to be right now. Love and hugs to you all!